Today was a disappointing day. It started as an exciting one – Toby and I had put our homestudy in for a "staffing" of a sibling group of teenagers. A staffing is a big meeting where social work and other foster care team members get together to choose an adoptive family for a child. This happens after parents have been given many, many chances to build skills to parent safely and effectively but despite these chances cannot parent. The people around the table represent all aspects of foster care teams – therapists, teachers, social workers, supervisors, community members, foster parents. They read each family's home study – the family represented on paper – and then talk about the strengths and weaknesses of each family. At the end of the meeting, a simple majority vote decides the fate of the child at hand.
Today we were represented at a staffing by our home study. Several weeks ago we had expressed interest in welcoming into our family a sibling group of four teenagers – ages 13, 14, 15, and 16. These teens had had a difficult life but after doing all the research I could, they seemed to be well within our skill range. I felt confident we were very well qualified and we had previous experience with teenagers. Toby and I hadn't shared our decision to be staffed with many – adopting 4 teenagers generally lead people to believe you have lost all your marbles. However, we saw it as an opportunity to serve and help some older kids have a family base from which to grow into adulthood. Because I'm a therapist, we have a strong knowledge of community resources and welcome the therapeutic team to provide guidance. All that – who wouldn't want us to be their parents?
We waited all morning for a call – no call. Finally the call came around 1:00 p.m. – and we weren't selected. There had been two families to choose from and the team wanted to move the kids into their new home quickly – in our home, that would have meant moving our current foster kids (we have 4 foster kids) out of the home. The team was also concerned because our newly adopted children had only been placed since December and the team was concerned we might get overwhelmed. Sigh.
Tonight I can't help but be proud of the work and deliberation the team went through, but I also can't help but be disappointed with the decision. It is difficult to clearly articulate to someone why you love having a large family. Large families teach social skills and problem solving, budgeting and purposeful living, loving and forgiving. We guide our children through their sibling arguments and teach them to lovingly forgive mistakes. We teach respect and space and thoughtfulness and love. A well functioning large family is an awesome blessing and one that serves children from foster care well. Our hearts are hungry for expanding our family – we're not in a hurry but are looking for sibling groups that we can embrace, love and make forever memories with. I was very sad that "our teens" didn't work out – when kids come to live at our house we love them fiercely. When adopted kids come to our house they become ours – and we never let them go. It is my fear that other families that look at sibling groups often are in love with the novelty of a large family. Yet, the novelty wears off so quickly. Large families require work, structure and organization or the resulting chaos is punishment enough! J So I guess I'm staring down the barrel of my own ego – thinking I can do it differently, better, deeper than another family. Honestly, I'm hoping that it is my own ego. Because the reality of "disrupted adoptions" is growing with a frightening increase.
Anyway, I sign off this evening with a heavy heart and prayers that the family selected for these teens will love and cherish them, teach them to look at life lightly, respect themselves always, make choices that are steeped in wisdom and confidence, and mostly that they will recognize and profoundly support their healing process and the active and important role adopted parents will have to take in this. I wish them very well, knowing God is far wiser than I and that these children's destiny lies outside ours. And, that there are children out there, just waiting to cross paths with ours.
