Treating "Sassmouth"

Sassmouth. This highly contagious disorder presents in children starting at or around age seven (can occur earlier or later) and has symptoms including arguing with every adult in sight, pouting, stamping one or both feet, bad attitude and other equally annoying displays of defiance. The treatment involves feeding the child several pounds of sugar each day and complying with every unreasonable request. Just kidding.

Have you seen sassmouth in your house lately? Sassmouth (also known as "backtalk", "rudeness" or others), can occur at any age, however, starts appearing more regularly as children become more confident with their place in the world and their knowledge of the world increases. These kids are growing beyond their previous roles and are moving into ones with more responsibility and more priviledge. For instance, this is a common age when a child is able to play at a friend's house for an afternoon or go on special social outings with a scout troop - all special opportunities offered to children who are older and more responsible.

"Backtalk" actually has a practical purpose (okay, laugh if you must). Children in this age range are working on integrating their own experiences with their knowledge of the world and their families. This new knowledge needs to find a place to "fit" with their assumptions about the world and how it works. One example of this is how parents begin to stress to their child the safety and personal nature of their own body and what to do if someone does something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Parents teach their child to scream, yell, get away, tell an adult they trust, etc. The child is taught to stick up for themselves and their feelings. Backtalk or arguing is one way a child is exercising these skills.

These new skills and the child's emerging sense of independence and self-confidence encourage a child to be more expressive of his/her ideas. Let's look at an example of backtalk from my colleague, DeAnn Fleming. Her family is dealing with the issue of backtalk with their seven year old daughter. In a recent discussion her daughter yelled, "Thats not what I heard," in defense of her actions. Her tone of voice wasn't sweet or pleasant and bordered on rudeness.

The family really has two options here: create a learning experience or squash rebellion. In order to select the correct option, one must take into account the situation (is anything here negotiable?) and any factors of immediacey (these are things that need immediate attention such as safety of the child and/or family). In the above case, the situation really wasn't negotiable and it took place in the kitchen of their home so there were no safety concerns. There was no need to squash the rebellion, so instead it was a good time to create a learning experience for the child.

DeAnn stopped the entire situation and explained what had gone wrong - the child's tone and presentation of what she wanted to express. She explained to her step-daughter that she had said something inappropriate and invited discussion about what would have been more appropriate and how she could have handled her frustration differently. When the discussion concluded, DeAnn had her step-daughter write her newly learned, better worded phrase ten times on a piece of paper.

Two important parenting points are present. First, a child MUST have a way to verbally express his/her emotions. There has to be space in a family for this. If a child is not allowed to express them then it sends the message that the child's views and opinions aren't important (dangerous to self-esteem) or that emotions are bad and shouldn't be expressed. This is a high emotional price for compliance. Think, for a moment, about other adults you know and how they handle conflict. There are those who handle conflict by just agreeing, apologizing and making everything "all right" again - these people just want everyone to get along. Others are anxious in the face of anxiety and clam up and look at the floor, hoping everyone just stops talking about it - these people are freaked out by conflict and don't know what to do about it. Others yell and scream and fight for their opinions - these folks haven't learned how to balance their need for recognition with their feelings. The most well adjusted people can be cool in the face of conflict, balancing their own anxiety with a need to take in all the information and respond in a confident, assertive way. These people are better able to balance their own needs with the needs of others, to stand up for what they believe in when its really important and to give in to the needs of others when appropriate.

The second important parenting point is to teach kids that communication is very complex. Tone is everyting - body language is also important. The language which is chosen to construct a sentence is equally important. When sassmouth appears in your household, stop the situation immediately and shift the focus to the communication. There is a distinct learning opportunity here for your child to begin early communication efforts which allow a balanced approach to expressing emotion, voicing their ideas and opinions and respecting those around them.