Throw in the Towel

Tonight I made a disturbing realization - I'm not good at everything. Laugh if you must, but as a human race I think we consistently feel competent at just about everything. If we find something we're not good at we Google it, roll up our sleeves and use the old "trial and error" approach, or take a class. When I meet a challenge in life my first stop is my local book store where I spend a few hours browsing the selection and emerge $100 poorer but with a sack of books and a determined look on my face. I spend the next few days obsessively pouring over my newest cache of knowledge, taking copious notes and referencing and cross-referencing my newest library additions. In the end, I usually emerge with a working knowledge of the subject and some hot key vocabulary that may come in handy at the next cocktail party I attend (have I ever attended a cocktail party - nope, but it never hurts to be prepared). In the end I'm satisfied with my new information and skills. This time, it didn't work.

I have spend the last two weeks attempting to learn a new web design software. In order to save thousands of dollars on web design and to be proud of my electronic creation, I fronted the $200 for the software and went at it. For those of you contemplating the same, let me just say its harder than it looks. Web design requires learning a whole new vocabulary, a whole new way of learning to manipulate and format text and pictures and a level of patience and non-reactivity that I simply do not have. After a few sessions of "playing around" (which resulted in absolutely no progress on the web site" I announced, "I'm going to have to buy a book."

Praying that at least one copy of a design book specific to this software was available, I headed off to my nearest book warehouse (bookstores aren't cozy or quaint anymore) to meet this challenge. To my delight I found not one book, not two books, but two entire shelves of books pertaining to this software. I chuckled, feeling confident that others required assistance as well. Two books and $87 later, I emerged with my new knowledge swingingly contentedly next to me in their sack. I headed home to learn.

One week, two software reinstalls, one software patch and lots of iced tea later and I sat in udder fury and disgust, staring at the software "document window." I was frustrated, angry and befuddled. I had gone through all the right preparations, gained all available knowledge and did my very best to succeed. Yet, after more than two hours my screen resembled a kind of perverted electronic picasso. It was pitiful. So, I heaved a great sigh, chugged the last of my iced tea and send an email to a good friend who had offered to help out weeks before, asking for her help in the design and layout part of the web site.

Bringing this back to parenting, I am amazed how often our children experience failure. As babies they fail every day and depend solely on others for comfort, food and support. Toddlers balance emerging emotions with new ways to explore the world - and fail many times each day as they curiously explore everything. School-agers face a new world of failure and embarassment as they try out their new skills, make mistakes, take risks and experience failure. Teens - well, teens are teens. Conscientious, afraid to make mistakes but generally do and live through them. Failure is everywhere in their growing lives - how do we support them through their failures?

Failure teaches tollerance and perseverence - it can also teach self-loathing and despair. Parenting through failure requires us to help our kids explore what they could and could not control in a situation, how they reacted and what they could do different next time. Hind-sight is always 20/20, but it is also valuable for going forward. Teaching a child to keep trying is important for important things. However, when they have tried and tried and have not had success, it may be time to help the child learn the value of his/her time. Take, for instance, a child that is really good at playing the piano. The child practices (out of responsibility but also out of interest) several times a week and is great at it. This same child suddenly wants to take up soccer. As parents, you agree but require piano to remain part of the child's responsibilities. The child tries and tries and tries to play soccer - practices, attends all the games, has great team spirit. Unfortunately, the skills required for soccer just aren't there.

Parenting through this requires parents to be supportive - go to games, applaud, reward efforts with lots of praise for perseverence. Be genuine - trying that hard gets a pat on the back. In time, the child will notice the amount of effort required isn't paying off - he's not getting any better at soccer and his bottom is warming the bench during games more than he's like. This is a great opportunity for that "your time is valuable" talk. Point out how proud you are of your child and how much you saw he/she tried. If it is the middle of the sports season, it is important for the child to finish out his/her commitment if the activity is a sport - that is a timely lesson in commitment and sportsmanship. Your child should be able to understand the concept that some things come easy while others take a lot of practice. Many times, even after all that practice, something still doesn't come easier. It is at this time that we have to make decisions which honor our skills, abilities, interests and time constraints to see if expending more energy to this new activity is respectful to ourselves. Don't be afraid to use examples of times you experienced this kind of dilemma and had to make tough choices. Many years ago as an ambitious high school student I wanted to be a doctor. I had it all planned out and even applied to several different colleges. With a weak "C" in math (not to mention a phobia surrounding it that has followed me to this day) and barely a "B" in mainstream science, I wan't a great candidate. Still determined, I went off to college and began a first semester that was heavy with math and science - and barely accomplished a 3.0. Yet, balanced with my strong "A's" in English and Psychology, I started to get the message a change was in order. I firmly believe I could have been a great doctor - it just would have taken extrodinary effort and I would have "lived" very little during college. Instead, I majored in psychology - which was still hard work but I was able to have a little social life as well. I decided the commitment required simply wasn't what I really wanted for myself.

When do we, as parents, forget to honor our children's failures? Often. When do we forget to be an example to them of gracefully accepting failure? Every day. We strive to look good and look like we have it all figured out. Children need to see our humanity - and they need to experience it. They need to see us fail and see how we handle it because they, in turn, will integrate it into their own lives. Most of all, they need to see us respecting ourselves and our time. Web building - its simply not one of my talents. Balanced against the other needs on my time - running my business, working with clients, developing my own family, balancing my many responsibilities associated with all my roles - it simply doesn't seem reasonable to keep continue the intense uphill battle. When we take a look through the lens of "time valued" there are some things that aren't a good use of our time. Luckily, the world is a diverse place. And there will always be someone who is an expert at what you're not.