Some Days are Like That

The weather in Kansas City was amazing today. Except for a cloudy sky, the humidity hovered at just about 40%, it was cool enough for a light sweatshirt and the air smelled of spring. My family spent the day hand-tilling the garden and planting early spring lovers such as peas, beets, green onions, radishes and spring lettuce. My husband, after the hard labor of tilling was over, retired to the house for a tall glass of iced tea and some KU basketball. My son went with dad to watch sports and my daughter came outside with me to finish planting. Although 7, my daughter is habitually clumsy. She loves to help and I have noticed her moving toward a place where she really seeks my approval and takes initiative to help out. Today's activity (planting the garden) really didn't take much skill and we enjoyed good conversation about different topics as we worked. After she stepped on the onion bed three times and into the newly planted peas twice, I felt myself getting irritated. After her shoes were soaked from attempts at getting water and she stepped into the peas again, I snapped, "Give me the water can - I'll do it myself." As I watered the newly planted rows, I started to calm. But was I wrong?

This is a question that plagues parents - how much of our own humanity do we allow to "show through" as we parent? Is it okay to get angry, rant and rave, show our true emotions? Does it damage our kids? Are those moments likely to be detrimental to a growing child? To help us answer this question, we have to go back to some of the primary principles that underly parenting and one very important: we are models for our children. Our behavior often becomes their behavior - they mirror us, sometimes in their play and sometimes in their behavior. Modeling plays a special role in a child's development and helps us as parents recognize important places we need to help shape their behavior. For instance, if a young child who is playing with a doll talks angry with the doll and is rough with it, parents have the opportunity to remind the child verbally that "we treat babies with love, like this" and then model the appropriate behavior. Older children who are capable of more straightforward reminders, should be given the opportunity to make appropriate choices. For instance, reminding my daughter several times to move carefully around a space that needed careful movements. When the child does not respond to that, a parent has the opportunity to help the child learn from the encounter by experiencing the consequences of their actions. In this example, the consequences of my daughter's movements caused her to be excluded from one part of an enjoyable activity because the activity required careful movements. She also felt my frustration, which helped her fully experience these consequences.

How did my interaction with my daughter end? She did not protest me taking over the watering. And I did not apologize for my snappiness. The reason? I had repeatedly reminded her to move carefully through the garden space which was clearly defined with rope to mark the newly planted rows. After more than three times of carelessness, I continued my soft reminders. When I finally had enough, I snapped at her. The result was that she felt badly and missed watering the garden with me. She sat down on a nearby rock and watched me water. I did not apologize - my reaction was appropriate for the situation. When I finished watering, I sat down next to her and asked her what she thought of the garden. We reconnected through conversation - she knew (though my interested and warm tone) that I was no longer angry with her and that we had moved beyond that moment.

The answer is "yes" you may show your humanity to your own children. They learn from it and learn through it. Yet, when we give in to volitile emotions such as deep disappointment, regret and anger we are treading on thin ice and the opportunity to overreact to a situation is great. It is during these times when you are most likely to respond in a way that is not appropriate. Alas, this too is our humanity. When this happens, calm down and then go back to your child. Explain that your emotional reaction was wrong and say "I'm sorry." You are teaching your child the value of making amends for wrong - an important lifelong lesson in every career, life path and relationship. After explaining how you were wrong, you can then explain to your child what part of their behavior was unacceptable and what the consequences will be for that (if necessary.) The ability to apologize is a great gift for a chils -this is no lesson in weakness, but a lesson in humility, humanity and personal strength.