Don't Discount the Debrief

The behavior happened. You laid down the law with consequences. Now what? The transition from discipline to "on with the show" can be difficult. You may still be angry about what happened (especially if something was broken or someone got hurt) - how do you move on while ensuring the child learned a lesson?

Consider using the technique called a "debrief." Debriefs happen after an incident to create a link between the behavior, consequence and what to do better next time. Here's how it works. Your child does something that represents a poor choice (pure naughtiness) which you feel needs discipline. You enforce the discipline (such as time out). Then you get on your child's level and ask, "so, let's talk about what happened. Why are you in time-out?" The child may or may not have an answer - which is okay. If the child doesn't have an answer, you might have to provide it (go simple here - no lectures). If the child has an answer, allow him/her to explain what happened. Prompt him/her with an "and then what happened" in order to have the child explain the consequence resulted. Then, ask the child, "what could you have done better?" or "what would be a better choice next time?" This is tough for a kiddo, so you might have to help out. After a simple "next time" discussion, ask your child to apologize for his poor choices and then thank the child for the apology and then have a hug. After that, the child can "go play."

This puts a definate end to this situation and helps the child not act silly to get your attention, create ways to pull at your guilt strings or have high anxiety, wondering if you're still angry (come on - isn't it uncomfortable to think someone is angry with you?). Instead there is an end - and everyone moves forward. Symbolically, you're recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, they are dealt with and life goes on. Although not everyone in life will just "let it go" your child may learn that is the correct way to deal with mistakes (and, for the most part, it is). So don't discount the debrief - it is a critical link for learning.