Does Opportunity Ever Stop Knocking?

One particularly hectic evening, the doorbell rang. After the expected "someone's here" shouts from the kids, the dog frantically barking and trying to put dinner on hold so it didn't burn I looked out the living room curtains to see one of my neighbors standing on the porch. This particular neighbor doesn't visit often - we're more of the "wave and be friendly" type of neighbors. "I made this for you" he said with a certain gentle roughness I've come to expect from him. He thrust forward a birdhouse.

I was surprised and happy at the same time! This birdhouse was the traditional kind, meant to fasten permanently with screws to a vertical, flat surface. It had an adorable sloping roof, perfectly cut entrance hole and two screws - one at the top and one at the bottom - that were predrilled and waiting to be sunk into its permanent home surface. Knowing how handy this neighbor is (he has a huge, detached three car garage) I had no doubt it was homemade, yet in its simplicity, the seams still lined up perfectly and he had crafted it carefully. I thanked him profusely and glowed for the rest of the evening, thinking of how thoughtful it was for him to create this for us as well as how much fun we'll have watching the birds that make this their home.

As a true procrastinator, I set the bird house on the entry way table, meaning to put it up the very next day. It didn't happen. A week later it was still sitting on the table. I hadn't forgot it. As a matter of fact, I noticed it every time I went by the table with a "darn it - I really need to get that up" sort of gesture and promise. It still sat there, waiting patiently to be assigned an outside home.

One evening I was checking some quick emails while dinner was cooking when I heard my three-almost-four year old holler from the living room, "hey mom - I could use a little help here." After asking him to use his polite words, I reminded him I couldn't leave dinner unattended(the computer is in the area between the kitchen and dining room, I have small children and a gas stove - need I say more?) and encouraged him to bring me whatever he needed help with. Okay, I'm sure you can imagine what he brought me - the birdhouse. I was initially puzzled. I said, "What do you need help with," to which he said, "my car is stuck in this little hole" pointing to the perfectly round hole in the front of the birdhouse. Ironically, it was just big enough for a matchbox car to fit in. I was shocked - by his undistressed presence, by the fact he saw this situation as simply an inconvenient problem that needed help being solved and by the fact a matchbox car was now rattling around inside this future prime piece of bird real estate.

How often are a child's choices and behavior less about motive and simply about opportunity? Very often. Children at all ages are organizing vast amounts of information about their world: cause and effect relationships, emotions, personal relationships and more. One of the most effective ways for a child to link his/her behavior to the consequences of it are through a cause and effect experience. Research has shown that the more a parent feels the child acted to deliberately disobey or annoy the parent, the more upset about the behavior the parent is likely to be and the discipline used is more likely to be more severe. What may be interpreted as a deliberate disobedience is often simply one more way a child seeks to organize his/her world and the relationships in it. I have to acknowledge that direct disobedience and willfulness are a part of this organization and learning process and may, at times, need intervention and discipline. There is no formula for predicting exactly when or what circumstances need this and which ones do not. That is something you have to decide in the moment. However, you can make better choices (and figure out if the child's motives are intentional or exploratory) about the situation by taking a deep breath, taking a step back from the situation and looking at all the factors present.

The birdhouse from my neighbors has increased its real estate value - it now comes with a car. I chose not to discipline him because, frankly it had nothing to do with me or disobedience. After all, I did leave the birdhouse laying around (well within his reach), I didn't place specific rules or boundaries around it and I allowed him to be unsupervised with it. He didn't brake anything or harm the house. Simply, in his curious little way, he found a neat little hole, his car fit perfectly into the dark space, made a delightful clatter as it hit the bottom of the inside of the house. But it didn't turn out how he planned (if there was even a plan involved) - the car could not come out. After I attempted to get the car out several times I conceeded, telling my son the car was, indeed, stuck. I apologized for not being able to help him, told him it was stuck forever, and interjected that perhaps he might think next time (or ask an adult) before sticking things (I went for the full range of things he might stick in dark holes - tinker toys, matchbox cars, legos, dinosaurs; need I go on?) in what looked like neat holes. I handed him back the birdhouse and asked him to replace it on the entryway table. He slowly walked away. I heard the car rattle in what I guessed were his last attempts to coax it back out. Then he gave up, placing the birdhouse back on the entryway table. He experienced a very meaningful lesson in cause and effect.

And the birdhouse, along with its bonus car, still sits on the hallway table.