Days of Disappointment

How do your children disappoint you? Don't pretend it doesn't happen. Under the rosy glow of parenting and unconditional love lies deep aching desires and agendas for our children's decisions, interests and personalities. These are generally out of our control - we would be hard pressed to change a child's genetic make up or her tendency toward a certain disposition. However, these are best seen when we recognize that our child has "fallen short" of our expectations. What does a parent do with this disappointment?

Let's talk for a minute about the kinds of disappointment and what to do with it. First, there is the disappointment which occurs when a child who falls short of a recognized responsibility or known rule. This would be when a child lies to you or forgets to bring home homework. In these situations, expressing your disappointment is appropriate. You might say, "I am very disappointed in your decision to lie to me" or "It is important for you to bring home your homework and I am disappointed in your lack of responsibility for your work." After expressing your disappointment, it is important to turn to the child for answers about how this will be avoided next time. Lecturing and consequences, though appropriate in some circumstances, take care of the problem in this moment. Is that really the goal, though? No - the goal is to help the child learn from this experience and be able to apply that learning to a similar experience. The goal is for the child to make a better choice next time. Ask the child, "now, what should you do next time?" or "what would have been a better choice?" to prompt communication and encourage problem solving. If the child answers thoughtfully - great! If not, help the child talk it out and come to reasonable solutions. Sometimes making notes on paper, drawing out the situation and new conclusions or writing a story help the child express conclusions.

The second kind of disappointment occurs when a child's personality and interests fall short of what we dreamed of. For instance, a father who is a sports fanatic (like my husband) deeply desires his children to play sports. His dream is a complicated calendar of coaching commitments and shuffling to different practices for each of our children. When my daughter played soccer for the first time as a four-year-old, he was elated. During practices and games his team (he was the coach) ran hard and played hard - my daughter picked dandelions and would should across the field while the game was in play "mom look at this cool bug." He really struggled with appreicating that our daughter was not a born soccer star - and that she may never play sports. He had to connect with her on a different level that wasn't sports related. It was difficult for him, but he made it through. We all want to be proud of our child - but this kind of diappointment can be destructive to a child's self esteem if, as parents, we allow our own expectations to shadow our child's emerging personality and strengths.

Personal awareness plays a big role in knowing the difference between encouraging your child to participate in an activity for learning (such as a sports team, dance or a musical instrument) or serving our own needs. This personal awareness can be achieved by looking closely at internal feelings, the ways in which you feel connected or disconnected from your child and how you deal with those feelings. Do you find yourself saying, "I'm so disappointed you won't play soccer this year" or "Why won't you...it would make me so happy?" If so, your disappointment may have crossed from persuasion and interest into manipulation, a dangerous place in which your child's self esteem may drop, his anxiety may go up and she may begin a long road toward pleasing others instead of developing his own interests.

In what ways did your parents disappoint you? Parenting is a lot of the past, resolutions about it and some of the future. You do carry with you hurts from the past into your present day functioning. Some people are able to overcome challenges of their childhood and create strength out of them. This is known as resilience. Others cannot transcent the past and are caught in a cycle of disappointment, low expectations, fragile self-esteem and inept abilities. These unfortunate people bring a chronic disorganization to parenting during which they are always disappointed in their children and others always fail to meet both their needs and their expectations. These individuals have failed to develop appropriate boundaries for themselves with their world (and often with their children) and have not been successful defining exactly what "successful" looks like in important areas of their life. When you aren't honest at the beginning of something about what both your agenda and expectations are then it is almost guaranteed you will be disappointed in the end. Looking at your experiences as a child and young adult may give you clues about your owns sensitivities toward your child's success or failure - and which of those you find acceptable and not. Consider how these affect your parenting and ultimately your child. If you're headed in the right direction - congratulations. If not, just yell "do over" and start again. Your child will notice your changes and be impressed.