Some Days are Better Than Others

Today was a disappointing day. It started as an exciting one – Toby and I had put our homestudy in for a "staffing" of a sibling group of teenagers. A staffing is a big meeting where social work and other foster care team members get together to choose an adoptive family for a child. This happens after parents have been given many, many chances to build skills to parent safely and effectively but despite these chances cannot parent. The people around the table represent all aspects of foster care teams – therapists, teachers, social workers, supervisors, community members, foster parents. They read each family's home study – the family represented on paper – and then talk about the strengths and weaknesses of each family. At the end of the meeting, a simple majority vote decides the fate of the child at hand.

Today we were represented at a staffing by our home study. Several weeks ago we had expressed interest in welcoming into our family a sibling group of four teenagers – ages 13, 14, 15, and 16. These teens had had a difficult life but after doing all the research I could, they seemed to be well within our skill range. I felt confident we were very well qualified and we had previous experience with teenagers. Toby and I hadn't shared our decision to be staffed with many – adopting 4 teenagers generally lead people to believe you have lost all your marbles. However, we saw it as an opportunity to serve and help some older kids have a family base from which to grow into adulthood. Because I'm a therapist, we have a strong knowledge of community resources and welcome the therapeutic team to provide guidance. All that – who wouldn't want us to be their parents?

We waited all morning for a call – no call. Finally the call came around 1:00 p.m. – and we weren't selected. There had been two families to choose from and the team wanted to move the kids into their new home quickly – in our home, that would have meant moving our current foster kids (we have 4 foster kids) out of the home. The team was also concerned because our newly adopted children had only been placed since December and the team was concerned we might get overwhelmed. Sigh.

Tonight I can't help but be proud of the work and deliberation the team went through, but I also can't help but be disappointed with the decision. It is difficult to clearly articulate to someone why you love having a large family. Large families teach social skills and problem solving, budgeting and purposeful living, loving and forgiving. We guide our children through their sibling arguments and teach them to lovingly forgive mistakes. We teach respect and space and thoughtfulness and love. A well functioning large family is an awesome blessing and one that serves children from foster care well. Our hearts are hungry for expanding our family – we're not in a hurry but are looking for sibling groups that we can embrace, love and make forever memories with. I was very sad that "our teens" didn't work out – when kids come to live at our house we love them fiercely. When adopted kids come to our house they become ours – and we never let them go. It is my fear that other families that look at sibling groups often are in love with the novelty of a large family. Yet, the novelty wears off so quickly. Large families require work, structure and organization or the resulting chaos is punishment enough! J So I guess I'm staring down the barrel of my own ego – thinking I can do it differently, better, deeper than another family. Honestly, I'm hoping that it is my own ego. Because the reality of "disrupted adoptions" is growing with a frightening increase.

Anyway, I sign off this evening with a heavy heart and prayers that the family selected for these teens will love and cherish them, teach them to look at life lightly, respect themselves always, make choices that are steeped in wisdom and confidence, and mostly that they will recognize and profoundly support their healing process and the active and important role adopted parents will have to take in this. I wish them very well, knowing God is far wiser than I and that these children's destiny lies outside ours. And, that there are children out there, just waiting to cross paths with ours.

Helpful Intentions

Frankly I was beyond annoyed as I tripped over my son's feet for what seemed like the millionth time. "Last chance" I growled, giving him the mom look. He reluctantly pulled his feet up in the shopping cart. Let me give you a visual.
We were at Walmart in the early part of the afternoon. Since we were in no rush, I had conceeded to my son's request for "a special cart" - one of those bohemout cart-and-a-half things that has the kid compartment where kids sit. Generally I despise these and tell the kids no, but today, well we weren't in much of a hurry. Everything started out well, but my son went from sitting proudly in the seat to setting beside the seat to his current state where his feet dragged out the front of the cart. It wasn't a safety issue (he was about 6 inches off the floor). It wasn't a behavior issue (he was humming happily to himself). I just kept tripping over his feet.
Well, then I did a very snappish thing - threatened to take the cart back if I tripped over his feet one more time. He wailed in a middle of the afternoon without a nap way and put his feet back out of the cart. Not I was confused. He really enjoys these carts so I was dealing with some pretty bold defiance which endangered his favorite cart, so something else was going on.
So I asked him what was going on.
"See, mommy. My feet help push the cart and it makes it easier for you." The clouds lifted and I saw our miscommunication. I thought he was being four. He thought he was being helpful with a cart I so frequently lament is difficult to push. So we made a deal - he could "push" with his feet on one side and I would walk on the other. I reminded him that if he moved to my side he might trip me and I could get hurt - no complaints. And I didn't trip the rest of the time at Walmart.
How many times do our children try to help in their own developmentally appropriate way - and as adults we miss the boat? Helping out with grown-up things is very important to a child's development. Preschool development requires children to master basic life tasks and to feel important and useful. School age child development requires children to make meaningful contributions to their environment - everyday life with a parent or relative IS the child's environment.
I challenge you, today, to find at least 3 times when your child offers to help out that you accept their help. It might not be the perfect help and it might not be the perfect timing, but enjoy the child's company and help the child feel successful.

Values say what?

I recently attended a funeral for a coworker. This colleague was only one year older than I am, engaged to be married and recently accepted into graduate school. One day after work, he went to the mall and, like many of us, was talking on his cell phone as he pulled it to the mall parking space. Suddenly the phone went dead - his fiance didn't hear his voice anymore. My colleague had just been shot four times and died, in his car. The killer? A deranged gunman who then entered the mall and began shooting random people. It was a sensless tragedy - the kind that hits too close to home.

Today I attended a memorial service put on by the facility he worked for. The gym was packed with guests - students he worked with, staff he interacted with and his family. The program was beautiful and filled with song, tributes, photos and pictures - the works as far as memorial services go. The service was religious based - another common theme in memorial services.

I found my mind wondering away from the service and to how death impacts us. A death like this makes me want to crawl into a hole and bid farewell to malls, Target and other large retailers. Its sensless - he wasn't dealing drugs or walking along a dark alleyway; he was simply visiting the mall with thousands of other people on a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon. Five minutes earlier or later and he wouldn't have even been involved. Life was determined by a five minute interval.

Scary as this is, like most people I spend a few days looking over my shoulder once or twice more than normal and being a little more vigilant. Then it fades - life goes on like normal. As I sat at the memorial service and listened to the preacher talk about rejoining my colleague in heaven, listened to the kids read their poems they had created (which talked about this colleague "looking down from heaven") I was suddenly aware of a very strong need for God's presence in that moment. God wasn't being debated in any way, shape or form - God was invited in whatever personal form each person chose. And never did anyone question the very existence of God.

People often ask me what position religion should have in a family. My answer is always the same - one of great importance. I read one of those ominous "forwards" that arrive frequently in my email box and it said the following: "Dear God, why didn't you save the people at Virginia Tech? and God's reply was, "Dear friend, I am not allowed in schools." Eye opening, isn't it? Unfortunately, most of our parenting energy goes into carpooling, making healthy meals, monitoring our children's TV viewing and internet surfing. We equip them to take SAT's and ensure they are being challenged at school. Then the weekend comes. And we sleep in on Sundays. Or do our grocery shopping. God is far from our homes on Sundays.

Children should receive some kind of religious training as a regular part of their weekly routine. Monday is dance night. Tuesday is soccer. Wednesday is PTA. Thursday is soccer. Friday we rest. Saturday we rest. Sunday morning is church. There are wonderful practical and religious lessons learned from church and church provides an etherial source of comfort and answers to tough and senseless life questions. Why do people have to die? What happens after we die? Will I ever see grandma again? I always reach for biblical wisdom to explain these things. Some might call it explanations that aren't based on reality. Honestly, they're right. It takes faith to believe in something you can't see, can't touch, can't tasts. I tend to give faith a strong chance in my life - I never met William Shakespere but I believe that he wrote many plays and that once he was a human being. I never met God but I believe he's real. And powerful. And comforting.

Did you know a child's values system changes very little after the age of 9 years old? I encourage you to invest some time in your child's religious education. The library has great books about different kinds of churches and what to expect at each. Map the churches around your home and visit each one until you find the environment that fits you and your family. This takes time, but every church is different. If nothing else, do it so that your child can have a religious system to explain to their children - and to reference and believe in during the tough times in life.

Warmly,
Sarah
www.parentfamilyinstitute.org

Considering Safety

Midwestern sunshine and spring sports brings families forth from their winter rests into warm breezes and soft spring grass. These days bring with them a promise of summer and are a great time for parents to revisit important safety rules with their children. With friends to play with and bikes to ride, these rules are easily forgotten. It is important for parents to send a clear message to their kids: safety is not negotiable. Here's three quick safety rules to review with your kids.

First, anytime wheels are under a child's feet there should be a helmet on their head. Head injuries are frightening - a child's brain can be dramatically injured during a fall from a scooter, bike or other rolling object (such as those sneakers with wheels on them or a skateboard). Unfortunately, these injuries can be (and often are) beyond the ability of the medical community to fix. In short, if your child rides a bike without a helmet, falls and becomes brain injured your life may change in ways which are unimaginable. It simply is not worth the risk. Helmets aren't hot (ventilation is great in them) nor are they ugly. Send a clear message: the helmet stays on when wheels are under the feet.

Second, always check the depth of water before jumping into a swimming area. When I was in college I lifeguarded at a small waterpark in town. I was amazed to see young children jump into water that was many feet too deep for them. These were frightening experiences for me as a lifeguard because I knew the possible consequences of these children in this deep water - they could drown. Even if lifeguards are present, children who are not confident swimmers (meaning they cannot comfortably swim 25 yards without touching the bottom of the pool) should receive constant supervision at any swimming facility. Since children who can swim comfortably are given more flexibility at the pool and may spend time unsupervised, it is important parents provide very clear boundaries around this privilege. For instance, provide check-in times for the kids to check back in with you, check on the child unannounced, etc. You are giving this privilege but you are also expecting the child will be safe and have appropriate behavior without your direct supervision (such as no horse-play).

Finally, insist that your child go nowhere without your direct consent. This happened this weekend at our house. My two children had permission to play in a neighbor's yard. I was working outside as were my neighbors and could see the children to supervise them. Suddenly, they were gone. Our neighborhood is pretty safe so I wasn't immediately worried, however, stopped my work and looked around - they had gone to the neighbor's next door to play with her daughter (three houses down). They did not have permission. Now, they were not in danger, nor had they done anything hideously wrong (this neighbor's house is on the "okay to play at" list). However, they had failed to get permission - in this situation it wasn't a big deal. In another situation it could have been a critical safety issue. Knowing where your children are at all times is critically important for their safety. It is also an important part of your shared contract - you let the child go to a friends house and he/she calls you if anything changes. Take the child's responsibility very, very seriously and hold him/her to it.

So what happened? I calmly called the kids home and explained to them they could not play with their friends until after lunch because of the choice to go to a different home without permission. I could clearly see it was a simple case of forgetfulness, but this was a great time to provide a gentle punishment (having to stop playing with friends until after lunch) alone with the verbal reminder. Later in the day, the kids remembered to come back and ask to play at the other nighbors - a request which was proudly granted.

Safety is never negotiable with kids. Rules are rules - period. Discussion can renegotiate these rules ("mom, can we play inside" or "mom, can we go to the other neighbors house?"), but without renegotiating, remind kids that rules are their contract with you.

Does Opportunity Ever Stop Knocking?

One particularly hectic evening, the doorbell rang. After the expected "someone's here" shouts from the kids, the dog frantically barking and trying to put dinner on hold so it didn't burn I looked out the living room curtains to see one of my neighbors standing on the porch. This particular neighbor doesn't visit often - we're more of the "wave and be friendly" type of neighbors. "I made this for you" he said with a certain gentle roughness I've come to expect from him. He thrust forward a birdhouse.

I was surprised and happy at the same time! This birdhouse was the traditional kind, meant to fasten permanently with screws to a vertical, flat surface. It had an adorable sloping roof, perfectly cut entrance hole and two screws - one at the top and one at the bottom - that were predrilled and waiting to be sunk into its permanent home surface. Knowing how handy this neighbor is (he has a huge, detached three car garage) I had no doubt it was homemade, yet in its simplicity, the seams still lined up perfectly and he had crafted it carefully. I thanked him profusely and glowed for the rest of the evening, thinking of how thoughtful it was for him to create this for us as well as how much fun we'll have watching the birds that make this their home.

As a true procrastinator, I set the bird house on the entry way table, meaning to put it up the very next day. It didn't happen. A week later it was still sitting on the table. I hadn't forgot it. As a matter of fact, I noticed it every time I went by the table with a "darn it - I really need to get that up" sort of gesture and promise. It still sat there, waiting patiently to be assigned an outside home.

One evening I was checking some quick emails while dinner was cooking when I heard my three-almost-four year old holler from the living room, "hey mom - I could use a little help here." After asking him to use his polite words, I reminded him I couldn't leave dinner unattended(the computer is in the area between the kitchen and dining room, I have small children and a gas stove - need I say more?) and encouraged him to bring me whatever he needed help with. Okay, I'm sure you can imagine what he brought me - the birdhouse. I was initially puzzled. I said, "What do you need help with," to which he said, "my car is stuck in this little hole" pointing to the perfectly round hole in the front of the birdhouse. Ironically, it was just big enough for a matchbox car to fit in. I was shocked - by his undistressed presence, by the fact he saw this situation as simply an inconvenient problem that needed help being solved and by the fact a matchbox car was now rattling around inside this future prime piece of bird real estate.

How often are a child's choices and behavior less about motive and simply about opportunity? Very often. Children at all ages are organizing vast amounts of information about their world: cause and effect relationships, emotions, personal relationships and more. One of the most effective ways for a child to link his/her behavior to the consequences of it are through a cause and effect experience. Research has shown that the more a parent feels the child acted to deliberately disobey or annoy the parent, the more upset about the behavior the parent is likely to be and the discipline used is more likely to be more severe. What may be interpreted as a deliberate disobedience is often simply one more way a child seeks to organize his/her world and the relationships in it. I have to acknowledge that direct disobedience and willfulness are a part of this organization and learning process and may, at times, need intervention and discipline. There is no formula for predicting exactly when or what circumstances need this and which ones do not. That is something you have to decide in the moment. However, you can make better choices (and figure out if the child's motives are intentional or exploratory) about the situation by taking a deep breath, taking a step back from the situation and looking at all the factors present.

The birdhouse from my neighbors has increased its real estate value - it now comes with a car. I chose not to discipline him because, frankly it had nothing to do with me or disobedience. After all, I did leave the birdhouse laying around (well within his reach), I didn't place specific rules or boundaries around it and I allowed him to be unsupervised with it. He didn't brake anything or harm the house. Simply, in his curious little way, he found a neat little hole, his car fit perfectly into the dark space, made a delightful clatter as it hit the bottom of the inside of the house. But it didn't turn out how he planned (if there was even a plan involved) - the car could not come out. After I attempted to get the car out several times I conceeded, telling my son the car was, indeed, stuck. I apologized for not being able to help him, told him it was stuck forever, and interjected that perhaps he might think next time (or ask an adult) before sticking things (I went for the full range of things he might stick in dark holes - tinker toys, matchbox cars, legos, dinosaurs; need I go on?) in what looked like neat holes. I handed him back the birdhouse and asked him to replace it on the entryway table. He slowly walked away. I heard the car rattle in what I guessed were his last attempts to coax it back out. Then he gave up, placing the birdhouse back on the entryway table. He experienced a very meaningful lesson in cause and effect.

And the birdhouse, along with its bonus car, still sits on the hallway table.

Don't Discount the Debrief

The behavior happened. You laid down the law with consequences. Now what? The transition from discipline to "on with the show" can be difficult. You may still be angry about what happened (especially if something was broken or someone got hurt) - how do you move on while ensuring the child learned a lesson?

Consider using the technique called a "debrief." Debriefs happen after an incident to create a link between the behavior, consequence and what to do better next time. Here's how it works. Your child does something that represents a poor choice (pure naughtiness) which you feel needs discipline. You enforce the discipline (such as time out). Then you get on your child's level and ask, "so, let's talk about what happened. Why are you in time-out?" The child may or may not have an answer - which is okay. If the child doesn't have an answer, you might have to provide it (go simple here - no lectures). If the child has an answer, allow him/her to explain what happened. Prompt him/her with an "and then what happened" in order to have the child explain the consequence resulted. Then, ask the child, "what could you have done better?" or "what would be a better choice next time?" This is tough for a kiddo, so you might have to help out. After a simple "next time" discussion, ask your child to apologize for his poor choices and then thank the child for the apology and then have a hug. After that, the child can "go play."

This puts a definate end to this situation and helps the child not act silly to get your attention, create ways to pull at your guilt strings or have high anxiety, wondering if you're still angry (come on - isn't it uncomfortable to think someone is angry with you?). Instead there is an end - and everyone moves forward. Symbolically, you're recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, they are dealt with and life goes on. Although not everyone in life will just "let it go" your child may learn that is the correct way to deal with mistakes (and, for the most part, it is). So don't discount the debrief - it is a critical link for learning.

Throw in the Towel

Tonight I made a disturbing realization - I'm not good at everything. Laugh if you must, but as a human race I think we consistently feel competent at just about everything. If we find something we're not good at we Google it, roll up our sleeves and use the old "trial and error" approach, or take a class. When I meet a challenge in life my first stop is my local book store where I spend a few hours browsing the selection and emerge $100 poorer but with a sack of books and a determined look on my face. I spend the next few days obsessively pouring over my newest cache of knowledge, taking copious notes and referencing and cross-referencing my newest library additions. In the end, I usually emerge with a working knowledge of the subject and some hot key vocabulary that may come in handy at the next cocktail party I attend (have I ever attended a cocktail party - nope, but it never hurts to be prepared). In the end I'm satisfied with my new information and skills. This time, it didn't work.

I have spend the last two weeks attempting to learn a new web design software. In order to save thousands of dollars on web design and to be proud of my electronic creation, I fronted the $200 for the software and went at it. For those of you contemplating the same, let me just say its harder than it looks. Web design requires learning a whole new vocabulary, a whole new way of learning to manipulate and format text and pictures and a level of patience and non-reactivity that I simply do not have. After a few sessions of "playing around" (which resulted in absolutely no progress on the web site" I announced, "I'm going to have to buy a book."

Praying that at least one copy of a design book specific to this software was available, I headed off to my nearest book warehouse (bookstores aren't cozy or quaint anymore) to meet this challenge. To my delight I found not one book, not two books, but two entire shelves of books pertaining to this software. I chuckled, feeling confident that others required assistance as well. Two books and $87 later, I emerged with my new knowledge swingingly contentedly next to me in their sack. I headed home to learn.

One week, two software reinstalls, one software patch and lots of iced tea later and I sat in udder fury and disgust, staring at the software "document window." I was frustrated, angry and befuddled. I had gone through all the right preparations, gained all available knowledge and did my very best to succeed. Yet, after more than two hours my screen resembled a kind of perverted electronic picasso. It was pitiful. So, I heaved a great sigh, chugged the last of my iced tea and send an email to a good friend who had offered to help out weeks before, asking for her help in the design and layout part of the web site.

Bringing this back to parenting, I am amazed how often our children experience failure. As babies they fail every day and depend solely on others for comfort, food and support. Toddlers balance emerging emotions with new ways to explore the world - and fail many times each day as they curiously explore everything. School-agers face a new world of failure and embarassment as they try out their new skills, make mistakes, take risks and experience failure. Teens - well, teens are teens. Conscientious, afraid to make mistakes but generally do and live through them. Failure is everywhere in their growing lives - how do we support them through their failures?

Failure teaches tollerance and perseverence - it can also teach self-loathing and despair. Parenting through failure requires us to help our kids explore what they could and could not control in a situation, how they reacted and what they could do different next time. Hind-sight is always 20/20, but it is also valuable for going forward. Teaching a child to keep trying is important for important things. However, when they have tried and tried and have not had success, it may be time to help the child learn the value of his/her time. Take, for instance, a child that is really good at playing the piano. The child practices (out of responsibility but also out of interest) several times a week and is great at it. This same child suddenly wants to take up soccer. As parents, you agree but require piano to remain part of the child's responsibilities. The child tries and tries and tries to play soccer - practices, attends all the games, has great team spirit. Unfortunately, the skills required for soccer just aren't there.

Parenting through this requires parents to be supportive - go to games, applaud, reward efforts with lots of praise for perseverence. Be genuine - trying that hard gets a pat on the back. In time, the child will notice the amount of effort required isn't paying off - he's not getting any better at soccer and his bottom is warming the bench during games more than he's like. This is a great opportunity for that "your time is valuable" talk. Point out how proud you are of your child and how much you saw he/she tried. If it is the middle of the sports season, it is important for the child to finish out his/her commitment if the activity is a sport - that is a timely lesson in commitment and sportsmanship. Your child should be able to understand the concept that some things come easy while others take a lot of practice. Many times, even after all that practice, something still doesn't come easier. It is at this time that we have to make decisions which honor our skills, abilities, interests and time constraints to see if expending more energy to this new activity is respectful to ourselves. Don't be afraid to use examples of times you experienced this kind of dilemma and had to make tough choices. Many years ago as an ambitious high school student I wanted to be a doctor. I had it all planned out and even applied to several different colleges. With a weak "C" in math (not to mention a phobia surrounding it that has followed me to this day) and barely a "B" in mainstream science, I wan't a great candidate. Still determined, I went off to college and began a first semester that was heavy with math and science - and barely accomplished a 3.0. Yet, balanced with my strong "A's" in English and Psychology, I started to get the message a change was in order. I firmly believe I could have been a great doctor - it just would have taken extrodinary effort and I would have "lived" very little during college. Instead, I majored in psychology - which was still hard work but I was able to have a little social life as well. I decided the commitment required simply wasn't what I really wanted for myself.

When do we, as parents, forget to honor our children's failures? Often. When do we forget to be an example to them of gracefully accepting failure? Every day. We strive to look good and look like we have it all figured out. Children need to see our humanity - and they need to experience it. They need to see us fail and see how we handle it because they, in turn, will integrate it into their own lives. Most of all, they need to see us respecting ourselves and our time. Web building - its simply not one of my talents. Balanced against the other needs on my time - running my business, working with clients, developing my own family, balancing my many responsibilities associated with all my roles - it simply doesn't seem reasonable to keep continue the intense uphill battle. When we take a look through the lens of "time valued" there are some things that aren't a good use of our time. Luckily, the world is a diverse place. And there will always be someone who is an expert at what you're not.

Treating "Sassmouth"

Sassmouth. This highly contagious disorder presents in children starting at or around age seven (can occur earlier or later) and has symptoms including arguing with every adult in sight, pouting, stamping one or both feet, bad attitude and other equally annoying displays of defiance. The treatment involves feeding the child several pounds of sugar each day and complying with every unreasonable request. Just kidding.

Have you seen sassmouth in your house lately? Sassmouth (also known as "backtalk", "rudeness" or others), can occur at any age, however, starts appearing more regularly as children become more confident with their place in the world and their knowledge of the world increases. These kids are growing beyond their previous roles and are moving into ones with more responsibility and more priviledge. For instance, this is a common age when a child is able to play at a friend's house for an afternoon or go on special social outings with a scout troop - all special opportunities offered to children who are older and more responsible.

"Backtalk" actually has a practical purpose (okay, laugh if you must). Children in this age range are working on integrating their own experiences with their knowledge of the world and their families. This new knowledge needs to find a place to "fit" with their assumptions about the world and how it works. One example of this is how parents begin to stress to their child the safety and personal nature of their own body and what to do if someone does something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Parents teach their child to scream, yell, get away, tell an adult they trust, etc. The child is taught to stick up for themselves and their feelings. Backtalk or arguing is one way a child is exercising these skills.

These new skills and the child's emerging sense of independence and self-confidence encourage a child to be more expressive of his/her ideas. Let's look at an example of backtalk from my colleague, DeAnn Fleming. Her family is dealing with the issue of backtalk with their seven year old daughter. In a recent discussion her daughter yelled, "Thats not what I heard," in defense of her actions. Her tone of voice wasn't sweet or pleasant and bordered on rudeness.

The family really has two options here: create a learning experience or squash rebellion. In order to select the correct option, one must take into account the situation (is anything here negotiable?) and any factors of immediacey (these are things that need immediate attention such as safety of the child and/or family). In the above case, the situation really wasn't negotiable and it took place in the kitchen of their home so there were no safety concerns. There was no need to squash the rebellion, so instead it was a good time to create a learning experience for the child.

DeAnn stopped the entire situation and explained what had gone wrong - the child's tone and presentation of what she wanted to express. She explained to her step-daughter that she had said something inappropriate and invited discussion about what would have been more appropriate and how she could have handled her frustration differently. When the discussion concluded, DeAnn had her step-daughter write her newly learned, better worded phrase ten times on a piece of paper.

Two important parenting points are present. First, a child MUST have a way to verbally express his/her emotions. There has to be space in a family for this. If a child is not allowed to express them then it sends the message that the child's views and opinions aren't important (dangerous to self-esteem) or that emotions are bad and shouldn't be expressed. This is a high emotional price for compliance. Think, for a moment, about other adults you know and how they handle conflict. There are those who handle conflict by just agreeing, apologizing and making everything "all right" again - these people just want everyone to get along. Others are anxious in the face of anxiety and clam up and look at the floor, hoping everyone just stops talking about it - these people are freaked out by conflict and don't know what to do about it. Others yell and scream and fight for their opinions - these folks haven't learned how to balance their need for recognition with their feelings. The most well adjusted people can be cool in the face of conflict, balancing their own anxiety with a need to take in all the information and respond in a confident, assertive way. These people are better able to balance their own needs with the needs of others, to stand up for what they believe in when its really important and to give in to the needs of others when appropriate.

The second important parenting point is to teach kids that communication is very complex. Tone is everyting - body language is also important. The language which is chosen to construct a sentence is equally important. When sassmouth appears in your household, stop the situation immediately and shift the focus to the communication. There is a distinct learning opportunity here for your child to begin early communication efforts which allow a balanced approach to expressing emotion, voicing their ideas and opinions and respecting those around them.